I feel the need to blog all of a sudden. 

Just submitted my application to Teach in China. I find out next month. Currently I’m lying in bed watching “I love you, man”. I’m a robot.

Seriously have been feeling real disconnected from the world these past 2 months.  And now that I have no real obligations or ties to anything UCI/school related, the transition is even more apparent. 

Its hard thinking that I can do whatever I want for the rest of my life. Why is that so shocking to me? I’m starting to think I’m the only person stopping myself.  I want to be shaken by the world. Like a total “Eat, Pray, Love” or “Sisterhood of traveling pants” moment. Feel, see, do, something different/ that I’ve never experienced before. I just want to be out of what the norm has been for the past 22 years of my existence in the OC.

Somethinggg. happen. to. meee.

Shake me.

“Burn the bridges, and let the light lead the way.”

Definitely abandoned this tumblr thing over the course of time. It was extremely nice being able to see my brothers creations today at his art gallery. Its crazy how much creativity people have these days, to the point where I didn’t even really understand anything that I saw, heard, or felt at that exhibit.  But, i feel like that was the point. Exploration beyond anything you could ever comprehend or rationalize.  It’s art. No need to get it, just embrace the sporadic complexities/simplicities of whatever it is.

I guess this blog is going to be pretty random, considering I haven’t entirely filtered out my thoughts for the past couple months.  It’s like life just hit me in the face once and I just kept running and it kept hitting me in the face and now I’m finally debriefing and dodging those dam hits. I figure I’ll make topics.

Disappointments:

Many lately, but all in which have provided me insight and a greater outlook on life than anything.  People who have let me down or blamed me for their own problems have caused a great deal of disappointment and bitter resentment.  But, i’ve realized that I’ve been caring about the people that don’t even appreciate the fact that I exist.  Something in that equation is utterly disproportional.  Why give in so much energy when they could give a fuck if your annihilated in Canada? I’ve learned to appreciate people who actually care a lot more and focus on that.  And, reciprocate the bond to those who will be there. NOT just say they will, and really they wont. 

Expectations:

Many that have exceeded beyond what I ever thought would happen in life.  Many that confuse me.  I guess at this rate I’m taking every stumble as an appreciation for something I’m going to learn from and grow from.  This new job is a burning pain, especially waking up at wee hours and my body hating me for hours while im downing endless cups of caffeine in my system.  However, I’m learning more and more each day, and eventually will become used to the routine of “adult” life. Here we go. 

Ok screw the categories.  I have so much on my mind. It’s a chaotic mess. That, is, life.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is.  Everything changes.  And nothing is for sure. Like I hate eating mushrooms, but who knows tomorrow I might want to eat an effing mushroom (not likely).  That life is about making decisions and have experiences that will bring you closer to certainty, just so you become more uncertain again. That is ok, that is life.  You never know for sure.  It’s just a matter of continuing and enjoy the moments that you so greatly seize with joy and despising the moments when you obliterate yourself with hate. Enjoy to enjoy some more and despise to despise some more.

HHI displaced. Spaghetti. ISTANbul. (Taken with Instagram at Red Rock Casino Resort Spa)

on another note, my brother is effing talented.  Some of his art is so intense but it makes me feel like i should be in alice and wonderland or something.  He definitely got the creative genes.

<3 I love him.

The truth is.

I’m unemployed. And going from 4 years of extreme chaos and having everything in the world to possibly do…down to…little to nothing to do.  Its fucking horrible.  I seriously have been graduated for 3 weeks and 2 days and I have no idea what the fuck im doing with my life.  The pressure is on.  And looking for jobs is probably the hardest thing in the world, let alone just figuring out what im doing.  For the first time in my life I have almost nothing to do and I’m the most stressed I could ever be.  Some weird self-worth or pride thing I’m internally conflicted with.

The truth is.

I could spend the remainder of my unemployed days wallowing over the fact that im “a loser, uneducated, not worthy, lost, stupid, fat, couch potato, whatever it may be”, but instead im going to enjoy the time being, just celebrate my successes and stop thinking that I’m not worthy of the jobs out there.  It’s stupid. It’s like a never ending cycle of darkness you fall into when living the post graduate lifestyle.  I’ve been warned of it, and I’ve definitely caught a huge case of it. 

The truth is.

I’m going to apply for jobs I want, take the GREs, go to Taiwan, and hopefully go abroad soon.

The truth is.

I know nothing that is going to happen. And, i just need to be ok with that.

1. Baby it’s you 2009

2. Marvin’s Room (Can’t Do Better) 2011 

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NX_HopLKKaE>

how much she’s grown.

Lately I’ve been really obsessed with her old stuff, but her rendition of Drake’s “Marvin’s Room” is really good, mature.  I’ll always support her.

Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel.

Ok, maybe this is old news, but I swear they could be potentially the same person if they tried.

So i was in langson library, about to annihilate myself from studying today, and I saw something I REALLY want and aspire to research to get hopefully after this graduation meesss.

::drum roll::

AN ATLAS WORLD GLOBE THING.  a nice one like the one in langson 3rd floor. Its all wooden, and you can touch the continents and see EVERY SINGLE COUNTRY, STATE, PROVINCE, LOCATION ON EARTH THAT EXISTS.  EVEN THE EQUATOR IS boldly labeled on it.  I literally awed at it for a good 5 minutes, maybe from deliria or just joy that very few people notice that thing.  It probably hasn’t be touched or violated for months.  At least it got some action from me today.

I hate the way you make me stress,
To the point where I don’t wash my hair.
I hate the way you give me parking tickets on my car,
And how it’s so crowded that I have to study on the stairs.
I hate your big dumb blue books,
and the way you exhaust mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick;
But I’ll keep studying until I die.
I hate the way I’m never right,
I hate it when you ask, “Why?”
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that these are my final finals,
and the fact that you won’t be around in the Fall.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
(Well, maybe just a little.)

-written by Doris Su.